The Road That Lies Ahead

Well, here I am sitting in bed like usual.  I am awake and unable to sleep, which has been the common theme since December 2010.  My husband, Tim, on the other hand is narcoleptic (literally) and so he is passed out, snoring, and dreaming away.  If you are not aware, narcoleptics (or “narcolept” as my youngest brother, Justin, likes to refer to Tim as) are dreamers.  True fact – it comes with the territory.  It can be quite comical actually.  Throughout the nights I hear of his nightly adventures, which tend to be recaps of his days spent teaching health and physical education.  One of the most hilarious night adventures that I have had the pleasure to experience was when he blurted out, “Run like a cheetah!  Cheetahs run fast.  Run Cheetah, Run!”  I honestly could not contain my laughter as I wondered what exactly was running through his mind.

So as he dreams away, I continue to sit up and do what I tend to do the most.  I think.  Times like these are nice, because it is silent and I can just listen to the guidance that I receive.  Today, a woman who is incredibly dear to my heart said something like, “Another blog this week?”  I am telling you, this woman is so very dear to my heart.  Ever since I met Margaret, I have felt this intense spiritual intimacy with her.  Many times I feel that God sends messages to me through her and I have learned to listen.  So, here I am allowing the words to come through me.  I release my desire to control what is created and I simply type whatever desires to surface.  This I have to tell you goes completely against my biological nature.

I look around our room.  The light from our closet, which is adjacent to our bed sheds some light on my medical degree.  Sadly, this beautifully framed degree encased in Michigan State University colors simply collects dust on our night stand now.  It reads “…the degree of Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine”.  I remember how proud my Dad was to know that his daughter was going to be a doctor.  Unfortunately, he did not live to see the day that I graduated from medical school, but I remember the pride that he displayed the day that I began that chapter of life.  All of my life I had strived to make him proud.  Although due to my own insecurities and desire to succeed, I never quite felt that I could fulfill his desires for me.  These feelings were issues pertaining to my own self-worth, self-acceptance, and desires for fulfillment.  Never would I have imagined that it would take an unforeseen traumatic event to make me truly look at the world through a different set of eyes.

I think of the past and the life that I once knew.  All of that seems like such a distant memory anymore.  There has been an overwhelming flood of emotions, an extreme amount of loss experienced, the death of a Nicole that people once at least “thought that they knew”, and a rebirth of a renewed spirit.  A spirit that feels authentic and genuine, yet imperfect.  Although I have experienced such an immense amount of loss, I have gained the most important aspect of my life and that is my love for Jesus Christ.  That is the very reason that I keep moving forward.  If it were not for my faith, then I would be lost and I truly do not believe that I would see a purpose to live.  I can say this, because I remember how deeply depressed I was before I gained this cherished relationship.

My lower back aches right now.  It is a constant reminder of the seconds in time that forever have changed my life.  I wonder if this pain and the rest of the pain that I experience on a daily basis will ever go away?  Or I often wonder, will God allow this pain to continue as a reminder to me – a reminder of the fact that His plan is greater than my own, a reminder of how alone I felt before I wholehearted accepted Him into my heart, a reminder of why I am so passionate about helping those who are consumed with their own life struggles.

Right now, my life is transitioning.  I suppose each and every day brings transition, but I mean that it is bringing about new endeavors that are on a scale that exceeds my expectations.  At this point in time, I am going to start putting together my first book.   This decision-in-the-making has been developing since I first started writing therapeutically back in September 2011.  What started as a website, the addition of a video, and blogs, then advanced to a Facebook page introducing myself to the world as a writer, another page dedicated to people like myself, Motor Vehicle Accident Survivors, and just this month an additional page for Brain Injury Awareness Month.  If you are not aware, March is Brain Injury Awareness Month and I too am a brain injury survivor.

This life journey has brought me to cross paths with incredibly influential and inspirational women, including Louise L. Hay, Shawne Duperon, and Teresa de Grosbois, who have shared their wisdom with this eager student.  I am so excited to know that now is the time that I will move forward with what I have been given, revisit where I have been, and hopefully continue to develop beautiful relationships and inspire others as I continue to move forward.