
2011 World Stroke Day: My Father’s Fate
Saturday, 29 October is World Stroke Day
“Every six seconds, regardless of age or gender – someone somewhere will die from stroke.”
Let me take you back with me to July 12, 2008…
At this time I was 26 years old and life was full of promise. It “was time” to get married, so I thought. This day was a day of celebration; an engagement party brought together my family and friends. Apparently everyone was having a great time, because the party did not end until about 3 a.m. the next morning. My father was seemingly proud that his oldest child, his forever little girl, was moving forward in life. I remember my mom and him leaving the party and he told me, like he did at the end of every conversation or departure, that he loved me.
I awoke on Sunday, July 13, 2008 to my phone ringing. I had no idea how much my life would change at that very moment on that day. On the other end of the phone, I heard: “Your dad is being taken to the hospital. He is slurring his words and he is stumbling. You need to get to the hospital!” I knew immediately at that moment that my father was having a stroke, also known as a cerebral vascular attack “in medical terms”. I rushed to the hospital, the same hospital where I was doing my third year medical school clinical rotations, in the same brown sundress that I wore the night before. I arrived before the ambulance. As I heard the sirens, I felt a deep feeling of angst knowing that those sirens signified that my father was in need of serious medical attention. I waited with anticipation and I felt fear at the uncertainty of the situation.
The next several days were trying to say the least. From my father, there would be tears of frustration, regret, worries, need for reassurance, and finally acceptance of his fate at the young age of 53. From my family, there was disbelief, fear, concern, desperation, anger, and overwhelming sadness that accompanied a decision that no family should ever have to face. From the physicians, there was concern, optimism, and unfortunately, false hope given to my family. For myself, there was: a separation from my role as a daughter, walled-off emotions, in depth reading and communication with my father’s physicians to ensure the most effective patient care, a role as my father’s patient advocate, being the only witness to my father’s acceptance of his fate, and my own self doubt for not being able to prevent this from happening.
My family and I watched initially as my father struggled to express his words, which is known as expressive aphasia in the realm of neurology. This was due to the fact that the left side of his brain was not functioning properly. I watched my ever-so-strong dad cry. This was only the second time that I ever witnessed this. The first time I saw my dad cry was four months earlier at the funeral of his sister, who finally lost her battle with metastatic cancer of four years in duration. These tears were tears of frustration and remorse for what he felt he was putting our family through. He continued to tell us not to worry and that he would be okay and that he knew what he needed to do. It broke my heart to watch my father cry, to express that he knew what he needed to do to change his lifestyle, and to feel helpless to his situation. This Sunday evening showed some signs of improvement. It appeared that the tissue plasminogen activator (tPA) that was given within the first hour of onset of his stroke, was working. There was a sense of hope.
A few memories from his hospital stay…
- My dad loved coffee. I remember how excited he was that I was able to understand his desire for coffee the day following his admittance to the hospital. This memory still makes me smile. So I thought I would share it with you.
- Another memory I have is the fact that my father would never regress in health when my mother, his loving wife of 28 years was present. “I will go, I do not want her to worry” he said, as he looked at my mother across the room. Clear and concise his words of acceptance were surfacing. I watched the exchange as I sat next to his bedside. She was distracted and without sleep, so I am not sure she even heard his words. However, I did. My mother then left his room, for a matter of maybe twenty minutes. We maintained hope that my father’s condition would improve with time. With her no longer present, he looked at me and said, “Will the kids be okay when they get older?” I replied, “Yes Daddy, we will be okay.” Those were his very last words. His face now drooped on one side and he entered into a state of silence. His condition progressed and I alone, watched him accept his fate.
Although my father’s condition worsened, his doctors continued to say that his condition would improve. I asked his prognosis and one of the neurologists replied, “He will likely regain 95% of his initial capabilities.” I again reassured my family and my brothers, however, I watched as each detrimental factor that could occur in such a stroke case, occurred. He had positive clinical signs that there was damage to his brain, he developed a fever which was likely due to a urinary tract infection secondary to the foley catheter insertion, and he began to vomit due to increased intracranial pressure and consequent brain stem involvement. Then at approximately 2:00 a.m. on Wednesday, July 16, 2008, my father was intubated and put onto a ventilator. The follow-up CT scan revealed the severity of damage. His entire left side of his brain infarcted, the brain tissue was dead due to a large embolus, or blood clot, which blocked his middle cerebral artery. Furthermore, there was such a great deal of edema, or swelling, that his brain herniated down his spinal column. I too was able to witness this, with his physician and the radiologist.
As a family, we had to make the decision to remove my father from the ventilator. This is a decision that no family should ever have to make. My father’s brother, Paul, was working in Switzerland at the time. He was the only one who had not yet made it back to see his brother; however, he was on his way. Our family decided to keep my father on the ventilator until the next day when his youngest brother arrived. My family could have been selfish, we could have left my father on that ventilator, and we could have kept him here on Earth longer. However, those were not his wishes, he would have had no quality of life, and we loved him and respected him enough to let him go as God had called him from us. I remember sitting in the ICU waiting room that night, knowing that if my dad made it through the night, then tomorrow would be the last day of his life.
On Thursday, July 17, 2008, we asked that my father be extubated and within six minutes, his heart came to rest, his flesh transformed and grew cold, and his life beautifully came to a peaceful end. Death, a concept that had frightened me in the past, was ironically beautiful. My father did not suffer and during those six minutes, I lost the fear of dying.
Just as my father experienced acceptance, my family and I have all had to learn to accept that he is no longer physically with us. This has brought great pain and suffering. These three years since his death have been difficult and his physical presence has been missed on many occasions including: birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, new births, broken engagements, graduations, weddings, and trauma. For my mother, she lost her soul mate. I pray for my family’s healing and for strength to live life as my father would have wished. He wished for us to be okay and until he received that confirmation, he could not accept his own fate. My father was very much liked, he was vocal and outspoken, and he was hardworking and family-oriented. His spirit is still present and his memory alive. My family and I miss my father every day.
Stroke Prevention and General Well-Being Recommendations:
- Do not take life for granted. Death is a guarantee, so live each day with purpose and gratitude. Say “I love you” to those who are important in your life.
- Do not allow stress to control your life. Find your own inner peace and prioritize life with faith, family, and love.
- Be responsible for your personal health. This includes regular exercise, proper nutrition, and medical management of risk factors including: hypertension (high blood pressure), hyperlipidemia (high cholesterol), heart disease, and diabetes. If you smoke, please put the effort forward to quit.
- Know the signs of stroke. Time is of the essence when it comes to stroke care, so seek medical attention immediately and call 9-1-1.
Signs of Stroke
- * Sudden numbness or weakness of face, arm, or leg,
- especially if only one side of the body is affected
- * Sudden confusion, trouble talking, or understanding speech
- * Sudden trouble seeing in one or both eyes
- * Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, or loss of balance or coordination
- * Sudden severe headache with no known cause
To my reader:
It is my hope that this message will make you aware of the potential detrimental effects of stroke, to be aware of the fragility of life, and to motivate you to take the necessary steps towards prevention.
Thank you for reading this message. Please utilize my father’s story to motivate yourself or others to make necessary lifestyle changes. Do not count on a second chance.
To my father:
Thank you for teaching me about death and acceptance. All of my life you stressed the importance of education; and, you taught me more than you could have ever realized when you were here on Earth. I pray that your spirit stays with us always and that our family will continue to heal knowing that you are indeed, okay. I love you and miss you Dad.
Resources:
National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke
World Stroke Campaign
This is a really nice story Nicole and others need to read about the love you and your family had for your father. This could also help others who are going through the same experiences. As I remember about my father, I remember that he loved his coffee also!
One of the hardest things I have read in a very long time. I too have experianced a very difficult time with my father after a heart surgery that didn’t go as plans. My father had a mitro vlave prolapse secondary to EDS. The surgery was a success but my dads body was not taking to coming off the heart/lung machine. We spent 3 months with my dad in a coma, rocking back and forth upside down in a bed trying to open his now collapsed lungs. He had sepsus twice, uninanry tract infections, infections on his skin from the rubbing of the starps holding his body into this capsole, and twice he had to to have procedures to suck the fluid from his lungs as his oxygen levels dropped. But… despite all of went he went through, my dad pulled through and is now back to himself. I tell this story to you because I learned a big lesson through my ordeal and talking to others who haven’t been blessed with a second chance. I have learned that God has a plan for all of us, we don’t know why, and some people may feel angery at God for letting things happen. But I was taught that we need to thank God for every day on this earth we have with our loved ones. Because you never know what tomorrow will bring. I am thankful I had another chance with my dad, but some people aren’t so lucky. You telling your story is so good for people to hear on so many levels. Its educational, personal, spiritual, and real. It reminded me to tell dad I love him again today for no reason. I am so so sorry for your loss Nicole…. but thank you for the reminder. You have such an incredible gift, and your father gave you wonderful skills before he left this earth Im sure. God bless you and your family. xoxoxox
Beautiful piece, but sad at the same time. Most people don’t ever get the chance to say goodbye properly, so it’s a blessing you had that privilege. Again, thanks for passing this on, it was great material.
Nicole~ What a beautiful story. I felt your pain, as I walked a similar walk with my dad. Beautifully written.
Your pain is so poetic and powerful. You use it to rebuild your life as well as the lives of others. God bless you, Nicole. Thank you for sharing. You have made your father proud.
A very scary story. I’m a 64 year old photographer who has had 2 heart attacks. I have been having all of these same signs, but they always go away. Your story got me to call for an appointment with a doctor, however the soonest they could get me in was 11/07/2011. I just hate going to the hospital and than they don’t find an answer. So, know that my wife, children, and grand children will be grateful. Hal
Dear Hal,
I thank you for reading this and for taking the necessary steps in regards to your health. If you have been having these same signs, however, I do not recommend that you wait until 11/07/2011. I recommend that you call your doctor’s office back and tell them specifically of your symptoms. They should be able to get you in sooner and if not, then I recommend looking elsewhere. Time, as I said, is of the essence. I wish you the best and may God bless you and your family. Please feel free to update me in regards to your health. I truly care about your well-being.
With love,
Nicole
The Monday following my 30th birthday last year I went to my parents home to visit. My mom had been feeling ill for a couple of days. She was diagnosed with emphysema 4 years prior and as a result, chronic bronchitis. Normally some antibiotics and some bed rest would be great and she would be up and walking in no time. I kissed my Mom and told her to feel better and if she worsened to go to the hospital. At 1 a.m. I received a phone call from my Dad. He had rushed her into the ER by ambulance. 37 days my mom remained in the same hospital bed. The few days she was able to move her mouth enough for us to understand what she wanted was not enough. One day after 3 surgeries and kidneys weakening my Mom mouthed the words to me “I wanna go home.” I joked with her about how I would take her home now if that was what she wanted. Inside I knew she did not mean “our” home. She was tired of fighting and tired of feeling like a burden to my Dad, who had been taking care of her 24 hrs a day for the past two years. My heart sank. A few days later we made the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. We took my Mom off her ventilator at 3:30 p.m. on January 30, 2011. I held my Mom’s hand every second… until she passed away at 10:20 p.m. and went to be with Jesus. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done… My Mom was and will forever be my Best Friend and still is the only one who knows “every” single thing about me.
I have an 18 year old brother….. No one should ever lose a parent so young. =(
Dear Katie,
Thank you so much for writing in to me. Your story made me cry and I truly feel for you and your family. May God bless you and your family with healing and strength. Please know that if you or any of your family members need to talk more extensively, then I am hear to lend a listening ear. It would be my pleasure.
With love and understanding,
Nicole
Beautifully written – you share your story with a very strong yet simple faith. Love it!
Nicole,
This is very well written story of your beloved Father.
I will not take for granted that both my parents are still with me,
And start saying “I LOVE YOU” to them. That’s something we never felt
comfortable saying to each other.But with both my parents being 77, O how time
waits on no one. The summer days are long but the years pass fast.
Just yesterday I noticed my Mom is getting hard of hearing and forgetful.
And I do fear the day God calls her home.
Mark S. Barletta
Every man’s life ends the same way.
It is only the details of how he lived and how he
died that distinguish one man from another.
Ernest Hemingway
Thank you for sharing, makes me feel grateful for the people in my life!
I don’t know what to say. I say read this moving tribute to your father. What it must have taken for you to take yourself out of the role of daughter and into that of Doctor, his patient advocate. To listen to the doctors speak of hope when you knew, probably only better than one other – your father, what was coming.
I cried for you this morning. For the pain you had to keep so locked away. For the loss you suffered while taking care of the rest of your family. At the same time I celebrated for you and for your father. To have been able to share such trust with each other; for him to have had such faith in you…. there are few such relationships (especially between a parent and his child) in this life. To have been able to tell your father you would all be fine when every ounce of your being wanted to scream at him not to go…that is true love. Given even moderately similar circumstances I’m not sure I could have done what you did… reassure him it was okay.
I am a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, not a fatalist…but a true believer in Jesus Christ. To have had his daughter as a doctor and his doctor as a daughter… at a time such as this…it was surely meant to be.
I know you, like me, also believe that we must take what we are handed and use it for God’s Glory. While I would never suggest we celebrate the accident that nearly took your life… I celebrate what you have done with a situation that many would use as a reason to be angry.
Your father taught you well. Not in his death, but through his life. He has given the rest of us someone to speak out, share the most personal and invite the rest of us to do the same. I’m sure he’s very proud today as he looks down on you and wipes your tears….
Thank you Nicole for sharing your story. On August 1, 2011, my sister, Lisha, had a massive stroke. The stroke hit on both sides of her brain. She is currently in a Locked In Syndrome state (LIS). Her body is completely paralyzed on both sides from the neck on down. The doctors have done all that they can do. My sister can move her head and blink her eyes to our commands. This is how she communicates with us. This has been the most difficult crisis in our family’s life. We are all learning how to deal with it, which is one day at a day and a lot of prayer and faith.
I have been reading a lot of material regarding strokes and the many signs. As a result of my sister’s stroke, I understand the importance of educating people. Thank you once again for sharing.
Toni Shaw, San Diego, CA
Thank you for sharing your story and God bless your family. So sorry for your loss.
My Dad had a stroke on 9-12-2011. We could not wake him and his speech was slurring. We called 9-1-1 and they said he had a stroke. His stroke took him back into childhood and he could not see. They said he had a UTI. Bad one. He never said a word to us about it. He is at home now after 6 weeks in the hospital and rehab. They been married for 63 years. My mom is trying take care him, but he has good days and bad days. It has been hard on all of the family. I live 2 hours away, so glad my sister lives with them. I am on the road all the time. I love my Dad. His stroke was in the back of the brain. He can feed and self dress with help. Just do not know places that he has been. I would love to find a support group in our area of Amarillo, Texas. One to go to and find out more about what we need to do for us, as caregivers. Help my mom understand more and help us. He is 85 years old and Mom is 83 years old.
Thank you again for sharing your story. You are all in our prayers.
Mary K. Harbour
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